Från min Twitter - 100 pieces of good advice
100 pieces of good advice
1. Don't let your daughter marry a drummer
2. Never turn your back on a kitten.
3. It's better to sell when you're low than to buy when you're high.
4. A sweater turned up side down makes for bad long johns.
5. King Cunt never ruled England, but you could.
6. Change your shirt.
7. I really mean it, it smells. And get a life.
8. Never retweet.
9. Never suwwender.
10. Give Up. It's a great movie
11. You'll never be funnier than a monkey peeing in his own mouth.
12. If you unfollow me now, you won't have to read 88 more of these.
13. If you name your firstborn "Kim", the next two should be named "Jong" and "Il".
14. However, if you name your first cat "Kim", the next three have to be named "Card" and "Ash" and "Ian".
15. Grooming isn't just for internet predators. Shave, dress well and keep yourself clean.
16. The odds of your horoscope being correct are astrologically small.
17. That hot chick at the office you've been ogling? She's just as psycho as your wife/girlfriend. Don't bother.
18. If life gives you lemons, don't shove them up a nether orifice. Unless you're japanese.
19. Learn calligraphy. This internet thing is just a fad.
20. Try Paella. Or try to pay Ella, if she works for you.
21. Never run an internet brothel out of Manila.
22. Never speak out of an urn.
23. Don't go to Finland.
24. Beware of geeks bearing GIFs
25. When Darth Vader says "who's your daddy", start looking into cybernetic hands.
26. Be a grower not a shower.
27. Never pet a ninja.
28. If you're a 'tortured soul', don't go EMO, get professional help instead.
29.Spank THAT monkey.
30. It's not just Yu. There's a billion+ more Chinese.
31. Shave it.
32. Wax it.
33. Be a gentleman; pink before brown.
34. Never aim for the eyes.
35. Always follow the advice of an internet guru who can formulate a clear and concise message in under 140 characte.
36. Eat at the Riche.
37. At all times, attempt to maintain the same body temperature.
38. Always remove your socks before sex, especially if you're a band member in the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
39. Learn to play the harp. If you know what I mean.
40. Don't be the first to leave the band.
41. Read the good book daily.
42. Find it here: http://tinyurl.com/6fc2c6h.
43. Always offer to hold a lady's hair when she's barfing.
44. If elected pope, wear a funny hat.
45. Remember, "Front towards enemy".
46. Whatever you have been told, dingleberries are NOT real berries.
47. It's only illegal if you get caught.
48. Don't get caught.
49. If you're complimented on your 'gorilla dick', it's not really a compliment.
50. Start a diary. You'll love finding that blank note book when you're old and need to write a grocery list.
51. Happiness is a warm gnu.
52. Don't be afraid of the old. They're mostly harmless.
53. Always rebuke the sexual advances of hotel employees.
54. Always pick the blue wire.
55. After you've spread the ashes, keep the urn, it'll make for a nice spittoon.
56. Nail clippings are cheap tooth picks.
57. Hobos often have long, hard nails. (See advice #56)
58. If you are a white male, described as boyish, w some musical ability, do indeed play that music of a funky nature
59. Remember, you're not as smart as your mother says but not as stupid as your father says, either.
60. Help keep the Internet free from meaningless nonsense.
61. You can never reach the speed of light but you can go black.
62. If nature made you fat and ugly, it's your right to fuck nature.
64. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Give him a Phish CD, teach him to hate music.
65. Always leave early. Don't leave a hundred on her nightstand though, it'll make her feel cheap.
66. Keep your taint dry.
67. If asked to dance, always blame injuries from 'Nam when declining.
68. It's not a date if she's in the morgue.
69. ATM is not just money from a machine. If you know what I mean.
70. Don't think of the cup as being half empty, think of it as two girls running out of stomach contents .
71. If you ever find yourself discussing THAT movie, remember that Ferris is the VILLAIN.
72. Yelling "mommy" is not considered "sexy talk" by most women.
73. ...but calling you "daddy" is. Women are weird.
74. If it hasn't died screaming it's not worth eating.
75. If it isn't brilliant by the time you're 75% done you should just sto
76. Science has shown that 'Fuck it' is a useful response to 100% of all potential scenarios.
77. Spend every day as if it were somebody else's last day.
78. Reflect on your top life experiences; really all that great or just a result of your limited maturity at the time
79. Everyone has at least one good book in them. Some have them rectally.
80. It's better to burn the evidence than to bury it.
81. Zumba is not for men.
82. If an attractive female is NOT unpleasant look for signs of mental illness.
83. Seriously, DON'T go to Finland.
84. It's not twee to tweet.
85. Don't be bitter on Twitter.
86. Learn to tie a proper Windsor knot.
87. That smell? It's most likely you.
88. If you're naked right now, you're winning.
89. Call your father every now and then. For fun, call your mother and ask if it's really, really the right guy.
90. Don't spend a lot of time on pointless activities that amuse only yourself and annoy others.
91. Always leave obvious clues for the clueless.
92. When in doubt, add a monkey.
93. It's a sin against nature to leave a cow untipped.
94. Cheese graters and male genitalia should be kept apart. Far apart.
95. If you gather all gold ever mined on earth in a cube ur going to end up with a sore back and Interpol after you.
96. The end is near.
97. Never come between a mother bear and her Offspring CDs.
98. If you can't be with the one you love, there's always Internet porn.
99. Speak softly and carry a big chapstick.
100. Never give away advice for free.
101. Learn to count.
1. Don't let your daughter marry a drummer
2. Never turn your back on a kitten.
3. It's better to sell when you're low than to buy when you're high.
4. A sweater turned up side down makes for bad long johns.
5. King Cunt never ruled England, but you could.
6. Change your shirt.
7. I really mean it, it smells. And get a life.
8. Never retweet.
9. Never suwwender.
10. Give Up. It's a great movie
11. You'll never be funnier than a monkey peeing in his own mouth.
12. If you unfollow me now, you won't have to read 88 more of these.
13. If you name your firstborn "Kim", the next two should be named "Jong" and "Il".
14. However, if you name your first cat "Kim", the next three have to be named "Card" and "Ash" and "Ian".
15. Grooming isn't just for internet predators. Shave, dress well and keep yourself clean.
16. The odds of your horoscope being correct are astrologically small.
17. That hot chick at the office you've been ogling? She's just as psycho as your wife/girlfriend. Don't bother.
18. If life gives you lemons, don't shove them up a nether orifice. Unless you're japanese.
19. Learn calligraphy. This internet thing is just a fad.
20. Try Paella. Or try to pay Ella, if she works for you.
21. Never run an internet brothel out of Manila.
22. Never speak out of an urn.
23. Don't go to Finland.
24. Beware of geeks bearing GIFs
25. When Darth Vader says "who's your daddy", start looking into cybernetic hands.
26. Be a grower not a shower.
27. Never pet a ninja.
28. If you're a 'tortured soul', don't go EMO, get professional help instead.
29.Spank THAT monkey.
30. It's not just Yu. There's a billion+ more Chinese.
31. Shave it.
32. Wax it.
33. Be a gentleman; pink before brown.
34. Never aim for the eyes.
35. Always follow the advice of an internet guru who can formulate a clear and concise message in under 140 characte.
36. Eat at the Riche.
37. At all times, attempt to maintain the same body temperature.
38. Always remove your socks before sex, especially if you're a band member in the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
39. Learn to play the harp. If you know what I mean.
40. Don't be the first to leave the band.
41. Read the good book daily.
42. Find it here: http://tinyurl.com/6fc2c6h.
43. Always offer to hold a lady's hair when she's barfing.
44. If elected pope, wear a funny hat.
45. Remember, "Front towards enemy".
46. Whatever you have been told, dingleberries are NOT real berries.
47. It's only illegal if you get caught.
48. Don't get caught.
49. If you're complimented on your 'gorilla dick', it's not really a compliment.
50. Start a diary. You'll love finding that blank note book when you're old and need to write a grocery list.
51. Happiness is a warm gnu.
52. Don't be afraid of the old. They're mostly harmless.
53. Always rebuke the sexual advances of hotel employees.
54. Always pick the blue wire.
55. After you've spread the ashes, keep the urn, it'll make for a nice spittoon.
56. Nail clippings are cheap tooth picks.
57. Hobos often have long, hard nails. (See advice #56)
58. If you are a white male, described as boyish, w some musical ability, do indeed play that music of a funky nature
59. Remember, you're not as smart as your mother says but not as stupid as your father says, either.
60. Help keep the Internet free from meaningless nonsense.
61. You can never reach the speed of light but you can go black.
62. If nature made you fat and ugly, it's your right to fuck nature.
64. Give a man a fish, feed him for a day. Give him a Phish CD, teach him to hate music.
65. Always leave early. Don't leave a hundred on her nightstand though, it'll make her feel cheap.
66. Keep your taint dry.
67. If asked to dance, always blame injuries from 'Nam when declining.
68. It's not a date if she's in the morgue.
69. ATM is not just money from a machine. If you know what I mean.
70. Don't think of the cup as being half empty, think of it as two girls running out of stomach contents .
71. If you ever find yourself discussing THAT movie, remember that Ferris is the VILLAIN.
72. Yelling "mommy" is not considered "sexy talk" by most women.
73. ...but calling you "daddy" is. Women are weird.
74. If it hasn't died screaming it's not worth eating.
75. If it isn't brilliant by the time you're 75% done you should just sto
76. Science has shown that 'Fuck it' is a useful response to 100% of all potential scenarios.
77. Spend every day as if it were somebody else's last day.
78. Reflect on your top life experiences; really all that great or just a result of your limited maturity at the time
79. Everyone has at least one good book in them. Some have them rectally.
80. It's better to burn the evidence than to bury it.
81. Zumba is not for men.
82. If an attractive female is NOT unpleasant look for signs of mental illness.
83. Seriously, DON'T go to Finland.
84. It's not twee to tweet.
85. Don't be bitter on Twitter.
86. Learn to tie a proper Windsor knot.
87. That smell? It's most likely you.
88. If you're naked right now, you're winning.
89. Call your father every now and then. For fun, call your mother and ask if it's really, really the right guy.
90. Don't spend a lot of time on pointless activities that amuse only yourself and annoy others.
91. Always leave obvious clues for the clueless.
92. When in doubt, add a monkey.
93. It's a sin against nature to leave a cow untipped.
94. Cheese graters and male genitalia should be kept apart. Far apart.
95. If you gather all gold ever mined on earth in a cube ur going to end up with a sore back and Interpol after you.
96. The end is near.
97. Never come between a mother bear and her Offspring CDs.
98. If you can't be with the one you love, there's always Internet porn.
99. Speak softly and carry a big chapstick.
100. Never give away advice for free.
101. Learn to count.
